Tips For Surviving The Heatwave

Buy 263 pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream and scoop it all out into your bathtub, like a reverse hot tub that you can eat. 

Put in some extra hours at work because it’s the only place in your life that has air conditioning. 

Get a major sunburn. Ponder coconut oil, pealing skin, your life choices. 

Look into getting some prescription sunglasses so that you can see the outdoor world in HD, but don’t actually ever make the purchase. 

Count how many days until Fall arrives. Fear an indian summer. 

Find a cool bar patio that serves specialty cocktails in mason jars as big as your head. 

Take your pants off, position the fan just right, and hit play on Netflix. Now DON’T MOVE. 

Swipe several hundred times on your Tinder app, but stay flaky. Stay flaky, Ponyboy. 

Sit in your apartment and just sweat. Keep sweating and feeling crazy. 

Watch some CNN and get heated over Donald Trump’s arrogance. Demand that he buy AC for all the land. 

Think about going to see that movie Trainwreck, but then decide you’re actually too sweaty to watch LeBron James try to act. 

Wonder whether or not you’re drinking enough water. 

Buy all the Gatorade from 7-11 and drink it until your upper lip turns orange. 

Try the ALS ice bucket challenge?

Wonder to yourself if you still fit into your jeans, among other winter wear. 

Eat some ice-cream. 

Get to some water. 

Wear some sunscreen, ok?