Your Ho-Ho-Holiday Horoscopes
Capricorn: Eat too many cookies and be extra sweet to your least favorite family member, because that’s what your fellow Capricorn, Jesus, would do.
Aquarius: There’s no better time than now to get a little drunk and start strategically planting mistletoe. Take charge like an Aquarius should and lead the way to holiday lust.
Pisces: You know what they say: “Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven.” So this holiday, feed your soul mate some pie, or pass out from a pot brownie. Whatever, it’s vacation!
Aires: Create some new traditions this year. Maybe for Christmas dinner all the men in your family can wear cranberry-colored lipstick? Or maybe a blind wine taste test so we can all be a little less snobby about Two Buck Chuck?
Taurus: Lower your holiday expectations and you will only be pleased with how things unfold. Just because you used to do something, doesn’t mean you need to do it now. Evolve like the bossy Christmas queen you are.
Gemini: Eat all of the cookies and drink all of the wine. Fall asleep early, but not before sending your crush/partner/friend some super festive-flirty emoji texts.
Cancer: Is your family driving you crazy? Well, get over it. OR…suggest a pie-eating contest to get out all of the aggression/sibling rivalry.
Leo: Tell them how you feel, because if we learned one thing from Love Actually, it’s that “on Christmas, you tell the truth.” So the time is now to declare your love that to that person you’ve been cyber stalking or tell you dad to shave his ugly beard.
Virgo: Families come in all shapes and sizes, and so do Santa’s helpers. So let’s learn something from our holiday hero, Buddy the Elf: all you need for a merry Christmas is some striped tights, overly-sweet pancakes, and a cute girl to sing Baby It’s Cold Outside with.
Libra: Lie to a gullible child about Santa so that you can eat extra cookies after everyone else is in bed. No kids around? Eat cookies and milk all night anyway, because fuck-it-it’s-Christmas.
Scorpio: Accept the following truths and you will feel free as a bird this holiday season: 1) Santa is a lie 2) The Virgin Mary is a liar, and 3) Christmas is about food and drunken excuses.
Sagittarius: Count your blessings, which hopefully include some of the following privileges: smart phone, job, friends, car, food that someone cooked for you, and access to a million Christmas movies on Netflix. Now stop complaining and let’s party!
