Your Weekend Horoscopes: OSCARS Edition
PISCES: They say the best things in life are free, so this weekend, why don’t you torrent some Best Picture nominees and create your own double-feature in your living room?
ARIES: Get your toe tappin’ to some Original Scores…or get your flirt on and try to score in other ways, if you know what I mean.
TAURUS: From now until Monday, throw your diet to the wind! How ‘bout a trophy-shaped cupcake, or maybe a cheese Danish, girl? Heh, heh, heh…
GEMINI: Attend an Oscar viewing party where people get way too into the hype. Get a Sunday evening buzz on, and hop on the band wagon. YOLO!
CANCER: Fall into a Brie Larson Google hole and cross your fingers that she wins Best Actress. Then calm your appetite with a few episodes of United States of Tara on Netflix. Did somebody say John Corbett?!?
LEO: Try out some pre-Oscar celebrity beauty tricks, like being a millionaire, or eating whatever you please, just like Jennifer Lawrence lies about swears by!
VIRGO: Oh, is there no more ROOM in your belly after eating all that popcorn? Well, at least you weren’t kidnapped and thrown in a shed when you were 19! Perspective, y'all. (Too dark?!)
LIBRA: This weekend, share your opinions about Leo never (ever?) winning the Oscar. Then go Google-crazy over his alleged romance with Rihanna. Too hot! Too hot!
SCORPIO: Not up-to-date on your nominee knowledge? That’s okay! Just talk about racism in The Academy and how Straight Outta Compton should be in the running for Best Picture.
SAGITTARIUS: Take an epic group selfie like Ellen’s from 2014, or just take 100 regular selfies! Whatever, Picasso and Van Gough painted selfies all the time.
CAPRICORN: On a budget? I heard Amy is on Amazon Prime now, and Mad Max is available for HBO subscribers. I bet someone would share their passwords with you, if you’re extra friendly.
AQUARIUS: What’s an awards show without a performance by the Weeknd? I don’t know, but 50 Shades of Gray was a little rapey, if you ask me. Oh well, you can always watch Fuller House and Chill instead.
Are these horoscopes making you feel lost? Here’s Margot Robbie in a bathtub to explain it to you.
